Don’t forget that I like to run at fears the way toddlers run to not fall over.
Shortly after taking singing lessons, A friend asked if I would perform during their show at fringe...
I was actually shocked that someone would ask me to perform anything, anywhere. So, I was super surprised when my inner child took over, & made sure I was going to sing in front of an audience.
I wasn’t feeling confident in playing ukulele & singing at the same (next year is another year, my friends), so Joel & I worked on a duet. A cover, of a Willie Nelson cover, about gay cowboys. We practiced tons, & I went back & forth a lot about whether or not I could pull it off.
We went from performing during one show at fringe, to two.
Which is good, because my heart broke during the first performance when I was so amazed at the act of singing on stage - I forgot almost the entire song. I felt busted a little. A lot actually. I really disappointed myself.
The next night was truly amazing. Every note, hit - I think. Every small joke, landed.
I was strong. I was free. I was not afraid.
This one is different friends...
I’m back to almost whispers.
Less silence than before, but definitely less singing.
I am still so scared to sing.. My inner child is screaming to be heard, & I want that for the red haired woman I am becoming every day.
I am nowhere near conquering this fear fully, but I really want to be a part of the sounds that make up this world. So, I’m sharing this fear to remind myself that I’ve already done it. I can do again. I’m sharing my shame in backtracking - because I know shame is a dumb dummy that I don’t want to feel.
I’m going to be scared to sing. But I’m not afraid to be scared.
I’m not afraid to say that I am scared.
Don’t be afraid to be scared.