Started to open up about estrangement - Original Post Dec.8.2018

I’m estranged from most of my family. Not all my family. Life is busy, & if someone doesn’t take on the role of family glue - you drift apart. That’s okay. Glue is a thankless, exhausting job. 

Often, people ask about family, & I used to make something up about my own. Not for my own sake, but so that the person asking wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. 

But - if you’re gonna ask - prepare for honesty. 

As recently as a couple years ago I would feel jealousy at the sight of happy teens with their parents. I have literally no idea what feels like. Long before I was a teen I craved exit from my family. To be taken. I thought that if I left, they would love me. 

Short story - My dad died in my mid 20’s. I felt a lot of weird emotions then. I didn’t know how to grieve for a complicated, flawed, human, who had caused real pain in my life. I had abandoned him to his addictions, & mental health. 

He had been a broken human, who helped in raising me to be broken too. He didn’t get the chance to heal, to grow, to become his own full self. I grieve for the man that wasn’t. The relationship we couldn’t have. I grieve for his broken heart. 

Brenda died in my early 30’s. A lot of ish there too. She too may have been broken, but she was purposefully hurtful. I’m not giving her space here, now. 

I don’t feel jealous. I feel proud that I recognized where my pain was coming from.
There is no shame in removing people who have hurt you from your life.
It doesn’t matter how you’ve come to each other.
Genetics does not define family. 

Get your guilt driven quotes right: 

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” 

I am not afraid to tell you that I have no relationship with my genetic sisters. I don’t know if I will. I do know that I am surrounded by humans with whom I feel deeply connected. Humans I love. I know they love me. I’ve never felt used or deeply hurt by any of them. It IS possible. 

You deserve to be happy. 

Don’t be afraid to be scared.

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